Existence & Phenomenological Experiences

In Search of What

A rotating wheel, a passing clock, a spiral dance, a revolving earth, a running water… an exhausted soul. An existence conceived, a reality born… a battle incepted. Lured into life, embraced, left alone… a bare existence so long lost by layers of appearances. A purity blemished, an innocence defiled… a deformed soul not knowing who it was or who it will.

 I turn into myself deep inside, questing: where is my essence. Lost from between my ribs.

I turn to my sides, yearningly in search: where are my long ago embracers. Strayed into the crowd…deceased to be departed.

I turn to the ruins of humans that were long wrecked and gone, helplessly inquiring: why was your wrack. No words I hear back.

I turn to my God, one step forward, one step backward…How weak I am…How not understanding I am…How distant I am. I turn away with disgrace.

I hear Him calling on me in my turn away. Yes! Yes! I hear him. A smile on the verge of drawing on my face… But tears flow from my eyes as I become deaf from His words. I lose the words, I lose the calling, I lose the light. I turn away…Away and away and away! I run. I hide…Hiding to a place where no one knows me but me…Hiding in myself! Estranged to find myself though…as I never know that self.


I turned to tangibles of life and thy self, I never found them. Lost or taken.

And I turned away from the eternal.


A placeless soul, asking In Search of What I am walking? In Search of What since all are gone or dismissed. A searcher without a quest. In Search of What…

I turn to other searchers, In Search of What are you walking? I hear quests like a river flow pouring into channels; all quests different they are, all pouring into the quest for happiness. How an elusive target it is!


I turn to myself once more; I am departing and leaving you. I am leaving the pain that so long cut my flesh. I am leaving the suffer that always despaired me. I am leaving the life that made me alive, to enjoy watching my torture. I tear apart thy self away from me. I tear apart the thing that cried my eyes. I tear apart the meaningless tie. I tear apart the tie who kept me tied to the tortured existence.


Go, I won’t ask you back. Go far away, I won’t plea your return. Go, I hope you find a better companion. Go…


Here I am leaving with a face looking down on living…All is rush. All is busy running. All is laughing. All is crying. All is living and not living. Some questioning, some not……..But now as I am turning my face away from that existence, I stay no longer in care. Turning my face away with my ever last look over this existence, boldly looking ahead to the eternal; with that smile on my face, I say: Live so long as permitted to live, keep in search for what you are supposed to find. You lose your embracers, I know. You lose your self, I know. But don’t stay In Search of What. The real search is the search for what to search for.


I am turned away forever. To the memory. To the criers of my loss.  


A life song played with a sad violin…a sad violin whose strings are the hearts of lives…that were once silent. Now shacking with sadness.  


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